Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
So Hamburger help me, God
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.