Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’