Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

What my back needs

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ