[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread