(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
This is my bus stop.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.