(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I love it
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”