(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem