Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
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I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.