Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
choose your fighter
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
this is literally a CIA plant
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista