Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.