Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.