*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
You Might Also Like
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35