[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
i smell a pulitzer
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok