[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
🚲+physics = winner
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used