[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
when dads have a rap battle
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears