[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
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Just a reminder, folks:
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.