(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
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Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
accurate
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
🐿️
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
It’s that simple 👊🏻
