Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?