Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I just tested negative for patience.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Every time.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.