Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
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Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
well this is just bullshirt
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.