Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

…

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

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The Chosen Phew

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur