Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
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Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.