Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
my favorite genre of twitter
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.