Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

you stereotypes are all alike

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!