Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.