Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
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just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
SPLOOT
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Carpe DM
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.