Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.


Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!

Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.

…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.


You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.


I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.


I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.


“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?



Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.


I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.