Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
can you read it!!??
maan!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it