Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.