Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”