Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

I think this cat is broken

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.