(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You Might Also Like
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Yes, but it was never about money
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.