(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself