*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Mistakes were made
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.