*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
You Might Also Like
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas