*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

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[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure


Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.


I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.


The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.


You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.


I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids


*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”


Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.


if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.