*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.