*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Breaking news:
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.