(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
You Might Also Like
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
A male goth is called a broth.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Pot warmers of the day.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful