Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

My dog ate my work from home.

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Lassie, get help!

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

nobody’s gonna understand