[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
How can I say no to this ?
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.