[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
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[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong