Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
The fall of Netflix
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip