Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
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Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”