[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
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Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
birds and squirrels envy us
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.