Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.