Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh