standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
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That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Wow 🤣
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question