[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
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*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My Guy
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.