Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Flowers bee like

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target