[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
black phone good
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
*seductively peels off lederhosen
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.