Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Can’t, holding a grudge

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”