Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.