Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Candles never taste the way they smell

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

My sex drive has a dui

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys