*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.