*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
good morning
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.