*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair