Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
New favorite tiktok
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator