Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…