*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ