*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH