[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
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Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.