[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
You Might Also Like
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
This is what makes twitter great
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
the simulation is moving too fast
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.