*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”