*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
