Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

The best plant holders?

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

i really liked this one

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.