Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Shortcut

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Good point.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”