Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*