Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U