*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
You Might Also Like
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Breaking news:
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Morning all.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve