Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.