*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
A dad and his duck
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
This will never not be funny 😭
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”