Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*