Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism