[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
You are what you delete.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Very problematic
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.