@david8hughes

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

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@caseytduncan

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

@AudreyPorne

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

@AndyAsAdjective

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

@

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@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@PhilJamesson

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

@TrueTorontoGirl

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.