[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.


spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower



HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL




[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row



Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.


HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.