The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
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spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
*yelling from the back row
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.