Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

Aw man, but that’s the best part

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t